Wednesday, February 29, 2012

In the Name of the Father



Home has been a recurring theme in my life for the past few weeks.  One friend is moving away and buying her first house.  Another friend temporarily had to vacate his home after a fire in the building.  Another was very happily just approved for his first mortgage after many years of attempting to survive with psychotic subletters in the next bedroom.  


Living on my own for so long has made adjusting to living with a roommate a...learning experience.    I often forget that normal people do not try on sixty different outfits the night before work and leave a trail of breadcrumbs in the form clothes and shoes throughout the house.  Nor do they buy new rugs for their living room that they can't afford instead of just cleaning the old one because they really hate vacuuming that much.  Nor do they violently loathe cigarettes as much as I do (yes, even when they're stubbed out).  I could go on and on but you get the idea.  We all have our quirks and when you live alone, you forget that they're quirks.  They become everyday habits because no one is there to tell you that you're being weird.  And so the fridge becomes stocked with diet coke and cheese and those overpriced salads from the deli that look good but that no one ever buys except single workaholics.  




The shoulder I often complain loudly on is that of my father.  He only recently admitted to me that when I start whining too much he holds the phone out and occasionally says "Yeap" into it.  Thanks, Dad.  But sometimes he does actually listen to my excessive blatthering about the "struggle" (not really) of becoming an adult and he sent me a stupid chain email yesterday that was actually quite applicable to the situation.   


I wanted to share these helpful tips for running an efficient home with you.  Because you can quote Thoreau or learn how to bake a vegan cupcake on about a million blogs but no one ever bothers sharing these little pearls of wisdom foolery.


TIPS FOR RUNNING A HAPPY HOME


"SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS."
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.  REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

3. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

4. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

5. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

6. NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT.




Your Golden Girl,


Olive





Images appear courtesy of: sparkleonandwearbows.wordpress.com, miketuritzin.com and peta.org

1 comment:

  1. I love the second picture! It looks so cozy!

    Kisses Anne
    http://annenobody.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete